Oh no! Not another post of woes!

I promise, soon this blog will be it's cheery and senseless self again. I'm well aware that the posts tonight are sliding down the emo-slope edge, but when the poo hits the fan, the fan blows it onto the blog. Sorry.

Let me preface this by saying I am, for the most part, quite over Smitty Wethermenjensen. Seeing a guy with his girlfriend kind of ruins him for you. He's a nice guy, she makes him happy, and if he's happy, then that's great. It's not like she's the Wicked Witch of the East. Which sucks for me. Less reasons to despise her. Anyway, I think he's nice and if he were to one day look my way, I would gladly say yeah. But at the moment, he's not, and life will go on. However, when a statement like the one I am about to make comes out of a guy like Smitty, it kinda feels like pouring alcohol on a gash. A big gash. In your pericardial region.

So, anyway. Youth group.Tonight. Round table discussion, which I love.

Topic: Where do you see yourself in 2 years?

Smitty: I'll have a house. Be working as a mechanic. And it's a good possibility that I could be married by then. You never know.


Um, yeah, what?!?!?! Yeah, dude, I know you'll be 20 then, but please rewind there and give me some notice before you drop bombs like that on me! Sheesh!

In case you didn't notice, a little piece of me died right then. I even created this.P.S. If anyone uses the phrases, "You have so much time", "You're so young", or "Plenty of Fish in The Sea", or any other derivitive of the those phrases, I may fight them to the pain.

When Trust Is Gone...

I get along very well with adults. Better than with people my own age. I mean some of my best friends- Mistie, Carolyn, Dawn- are at least 5 years older than me.

There is an adult who I have been very close to for about the past year. I trusted them very much and confided most everything in them. (It is none of the afore mentioned people. Mistie and Carolyn, you can take a breather of relief.) About a month ago, this person did something that hurt me incredibly badly. I may be overreacting a little bit, but it hurt incredibly.

The thing that kills me about this situation is that I can no longer really talk to this person and be sure that they are being honest with me. I have so much going on right now, most of all this one big roller-coaster of a problem that I can't really go into here because of some people who read this, and I don't know who to confide in. I don't know who to go to for advice on the matter and I miss having a trustworthy adult (no offense, guys) who I could sit and have conversations with. I mean, I still can talk but it's not the same. That trust is gone.

I want to go and talk to the individual about the issue I'm having. I'm so afraid that the words won't come out right and I'll destroy a very good friendship and mentorship. That terrifies me.

In other news....

I had a weird day today. 2-hour delay. I was incredibly disappointed by this installment of white death. It was pitiful.

The blood drive was today, and I was all revved up to make a double contribution and got to the table. I didn't have my ID. I called home for my ID. My ID was not brought to me. So, on the bright side, no needles were inserted into my flesh today. On the not-so-bright side, Buddy Blood Drop is disappointed in me. Oh well. He'll deal with it.

Tomorrow I get to dissect a heart. Go me!

My life is so boring.

Of all the days...

I always have that subconcious "Dear Lord, let me sleep in today" need for a snow day, but of all the days, today was not a good one. The Invisible Children Road Crew was supposed to come to our school, and I was psyched to meet them. I got a pass to get out of lunch and everything. There is no way for them to reschedule the meeting, either. I was a little bummed. We're also supposed to have a Sunday School Rally in Barberton tonight, but they have ridiculous amounts of snow so we have no idea how that's going to happen. And tomorrow there's a quiz, but Lancaster is supposed to get ice out the wazoo, so who knows?


Of all the days....

Also,

John said at Open Gym tonight that my blog is whiny. Many people/places/things have become famous by being whiny, thankyouverymuch. Such examples include Oprah, Jennifer Lopez, and Britney Spears. Not that any of those are good people that I aspire to be, but my brain is fried.

And also, he stole my phone.

My very cool phone.

Which is a God in comparison to his phone.

And he's jealous.

Evil meanie.

I have decided that I.....

Love:

• A Walk To Remember- watched it yesterday afternoon with Carolyn and Alison and had never seen it before. I bawled like a baby. And then had a lousy night so came home and watched it again. It was easier to pay attention to it that time, too. It is now up there with my favorites. I less than three it amazingly.
  
• Sleep- I'm exhausted right now and need a nap in the worst way.
• Spell Check- Takes some of the effort (but not all) out of proofreading research papers.
• MySpace- I always have, always will.
• Samoas- I have loved them since I was a Girl Scout, but now with it being cookie season I find myself sitting in KAP American History, listening to lectures like- "And the US took posession of the Samoan Islands..." and thinking- "Mmmmmm....coconutty goodness..."
  

Hate:

• Research papers- Do you know how hard it is to come up with a good concluding paragraph?
• Drama- as in whininess, not theatre. I love theatre. Hate whininess.
• Exhaustion- It's getting the better of me.
• Amazon.com- They never shipped out that book I need to have read by tomorrow for KAP. Morons.
• Psychological Research Studies- I'm supposed to be writing a proposal for an experiment for psych. I love psych, but this proposal is a chore.
  

And yet another anti-valentine message...

One of those situations...

I think I have one actually legitimate nervous breakdown per year. Usually around this time of year. Let's review-

• Tonight I went to work on my English paper and found that all of my notecards were missing. I started crying.
• I'm trying to fill out a scholarship application for Rotary Club to maybe go to South America during the 2009-10 school year for 3 months to a whole year. I will be a college freshman that year. That scares me. It made me cry.
• I'm filling out applications for COTC and MVNU. For next year. I started crying again.
• Then I listened to Alvin and the Chipmunks sing "Bad Day". This helped a lot.
  

Anti-Valentine's Day

This is the week I hate the most. Thursday is the abominable day. I loathe it all.

See?


So, in case you don't understand my loathing of Valentine's, I did a survey on MySpace that was labeled the "Love Day Survey!" I removed that title and put something else in. I don't remember what.


1. Are you single or taken?
I'm single.

2. Chocolate or flowers?
Roses, por favor

3. Will you do anything special for Valentines Day?
No. I hate that stupid holiday.

4. Do you like anyone?
Yeah.

5. Were you dating anyone last Valentines?
No.

6. What would be your dream Valentines date?
Just chilling with the boyfriend that i don't have.

7. Do you make a big deal about Valentines?
No. I hate it.

8. Have you ever had a secret admirer?
Yes. In like 2nd grade.

9. Would you ever write someone a love letter?
If I had a person to write one to

10. Do you believe in Cupid?
Yes. Also, the tooth fairy, easter bunny, santa claus, and the guy out there that is perfect for me.

11. Do your parents give you presents on Valentines?
Yes.

12. Do you still send out Valentines cards?
No

13. Do you like candy hearts?
Yes

14. What is something you got last Valentines?
A snow day.

15. Is Valentines depressing?
Yes. I hate it..

16. How do you feel about PDA?
It's gross.

17. How is your love life going?
Are you seriously asking me this? It's about as dead as Bambi's mom!

18. Have you ever been dumped on Valentines?
Yes, thanks for bringing up painful memories, you jerk.

19. How many roses would you want?
Any.

20. Will you have a boyfriend/girlfriend next Valentines?
It's in two days. My chances are slim.

What is the world coming to?

I just went on Facebook and had an event staring back at me that was just chock full of eye rolls waiting to happen. A girl I went to kindergarten with is having a baby shower. She's due in June and is having a boy and all of her friends are thrilled for her and are throwing a baby shower.

I can't even imagine having a baby at 17. By myself.

Methinks this isn't really a bad thing.

You probably will never know....

I refuse to disclose the story behind last night's post. Just know that I am angry, furious, enraged, and hurt. I never cease to be amazed at some of the things that people do to hurt someone else. Or in this case, a whole group of people. The people who are close to this situation know what is going on, and that's what matters.

While I was fuming last night, I got a text message from one of the ladies at church. It said, "Have a blessed night. SLEEP with peace knowing our God reigns."

It had to be from God. I texted her back and thanked her.

Nothing suprises me anymore....

Absolutely nothing.

Change of plans.....

My previous plans for February 15th were canceled tonight. I am now going to binge on Ben and Jerry's, Pizza, and Mountain Dew with Mistie instead of spending $10 to go to eat high-end food and revel in other people's relationshipiness.

I hate Valentine's Day.


I love my cousin.

PPF...Ecky!

Past- The anatomy test was awful. Icky. Icky. Or rather, Ecky. However, my studying in the non-clique this morning prompted Nikki to ask everyone in her path if she could touch their sternocleidomastoid. Just because she thought it was a fun word. And she has no regard for what others find as awkward. Thus is her Nikkiness.

Present- I'm studying for my psych test which is on Thursday. Sigmund Freud was a dirty old man, let me just say.

Future- I have HOP tonight. Yayness. I less than three HOP. Except for that Alison and I often have to be told to zip it and pay attention. Okay, maybe "often" is a stretch. But we have fun.

Speaking of people in HOP, I am going on yet another excursion to Mansfield on Saturday. I'm getting THE DRESS!!! And this time, Alison is going with us. This should be fun.

*sinister and evil laugh*

Are people really that dumb?

I feel like ranting this morning.

I've decided that at the moment, I am not going to let myself like anyone in "that" way. Now, I'm not so deadened that I don't have an idea of who I would probably fall for if I was allowing myself (actually, I have a fairly good idea), but at the moment, I am taking control of my emotions and telling them to stop for the love of almighty!!! The whole process of liking the guy, and then getting smushed into the ground like a marshmallow after an elephant has stampeded through gets a little old to me, quite honestly, and I'm done at the moment. It makes things too complicated, no one really gains in the long run, and while it provides me with good blog fodder, I'm sure it probably gets on the rest of your nerves.

Now, on a completely different note (and when I say completely, I mean COMPLETELY), those of you may have been informed that my relationship status (of single) has changed. To the people who started this nasty rumor, I only have one thing to say-

"Liar, liar, pants on fire!"

*blows rasberry*

I am still quite single, thank you very much.

Believe me, when this changes, I will be shouting it from the rooftops. Not keeping it secret and letting people (whose names have, probably in their best interest, been kept undisclosed to me) break the news to everyone.

Well, now.

Back to your regualarly scheduled programming.

Why does this keep happening?

So, randomly tonight, the ex of Mr.X, you know, the one who sent me hate mail last year, IM'd me out of the blue. Nice, right?

So we had a random conversation, like, she wanted to know if I had found something to wear for the v-day banquet, and then the interrogation began.

just curious why did you and MX break up????

did he ask you out or did you ask him?

was it just that you guys just grew apart or something else?

And then, the winner that had me rushing for the Invisible button-

ok i don't mean to be personal but did he ever kiss you or hold hands?? cause when we dated we held hands once and we dated 4 1/2 yrs but he seemed like he was to scared to do anything! it kinda bothered that's why i broke up with him and he hardly ever called! guys are suppose to make the first move but he didn't seem like he wanted to do anything!! lol what do you think?


This is the part where I say, um, thank you for your conversation, but I gotta go to bed now.

And then you delete the screenname and block it.

*shudder*

Worst-Case-Scenario Kind of Morning

So, this week keeps taking odd turns, doesn't it?

So, I almost had the courage to ask the person about going to the banquet with me as friends. I talked to his mom and made sure the whole thing was ok with her, and she seemed to think it was okay. She even asked, "Do you want me to ask him and give him the heads up?"

I was filled with great joy and love for her. But non-chalantly said, "Yeah, I guess that would be cool, you know, if you seem him before I do." Maybe not those exact words, but something like that.

A great load has been lifted from me. Yippee.

But, anyway, before I had said conversation, the most inprobable thing happenned. Yes, people. I walked out of the kitchen from the sunday school meeting and who do you think was standing there?

9YG.

I kid you not.

Do you realize the severe unlikelyhood of such an occurance? He lives 2 HOURS away! For the love of Bob.

This was greatly distressing, as I am attempting to muster great amounts of courage anyway, and here is this guy who I liked for 9 years. Of course, I'm a drama queen, so I stressed more than the average person. But wouldn't you flip out, too?

Augh!!!!

Why, God?

There's a line in the movie "The Preacher's Wife" that Denzel Washington says when the little boy's friend is being sent to a foster home in another city. The little boy runs to his room crying, and Dudley (the angel played by Denzel) watches Hakim (the little boy's friend) get in the car and ride away,looks upward, and says-

"I know you have a master plan, Lord. But sometimes you just don't make sense."

I don't think I ever really said how much of a refresher Mid-Winter was. It was amazing. I felt God more then, than I had in a long, long time. Bro.Goodman preached a message on Saturday morning that spoke to me so much. He spoke about how many kids leave camp or youth retreat or a rally and feel God. And then 2 weeks later, they feel nothing and have abandoned that rush that they felt at camp or retreat or rally. After the service, I was up front, weeping before God. I was one of those kids. That description was so me. I stood there, and images of so many people rushed through my head.

Hayley.

Deedee.

Dane.

Jalisa.

These people are members of our youth group who at one point or another were incredibly steadfast in their walk with God. They came to youth things and were so dedicated and committed. Our youth group has shrunk in the past year. At that moment, I made a promise to God that I was not going to be like them. I was not going to change. I was going to take what I received, and not only keep it after the retreat, but I was going to spread it and display it to others if it killed me.

I have tried so hard. Not just me. A whole group of us in the youth group have made extreme efforts to turn our church around and begin a revival. There's a group supporting each other and doing the BREAD chart. There's a group fasting every Thursday. We've made efforts to change our attitudes and think more positively.

We knew there would be opposition. But we didn't know it would be this bad.

A few days later, Ratchol broke up with her fiance. School has been getting the best of me. Elisha is gone. My friend Cassie, who doesn't even go to church with us, lost a friend in an accident. My best friend, who isn't even IN church, lost her grandmother.

Hit after hit has come against us. And for what?

For the past 2 weeks, since Mid-Winter and I made that promise to God, it seems like every time we think it can't get worse, we're proved wrong. It makes me angry and frustrated. I want to cry and punch things and go insane.

I talked to Ratchol today, and I told her that I'm to the point where people get, when they just want to throw in the towel and say, "God, I know you're omniscient. But have you ANY idea what you're doing?"

I don't doubt God. I will never turn my back on him. I know I have truth. I know there is a reason for all of this. I know I will be stronger for this. I know God has said that he will never put on us more than we can bear. I know God doesn't lie, so that must be true. I know he has a plan.

I just need to learn to deal with it.

My Musings Over Coffee

So, I'm having one of those weeks that has kept me in perpetually deep thought for the most part. Deep thought over nothing. And everything. Some are fickle, that people roll their eyes and say "Oh, she's a teenager and will grow out of it." and some of them are huge decisions that will affect me forever.

I found out about a week ago that I had failed the second quarter of Algebra 2. I was given two choices. I could either continue Algebra 2 in a different class, which we would have to ask the principal to do, or I could move to Bridges, and retake Algebra next year, and still get a math credit for the year. No, this is not as easy a decision as it sounds. I did end up moving down to Bridges, but the whole thing was an extreme pain in the buttocks. I still don't like the idea of me wasting a whole semester.

While we're on the subject of things wrong with school, did I mention I got a D on the Anatomy Exam?

I did however, end up getting a B- on my KAP History exam. Snaps for this great blessing from the Lord most high.

I also found out that I can be starting college next year. I can do post-secondary and have a year of college done when I graduate. This actually was a no-brainer. I am so doing that.

So, because of that, I signed up for the ACT last night. In April. That scares the poo out of me. (P.S. That may have been my proudest moment as a blogger EVER).

Also, Friday, I found out that Brittany, one of my friends from quizzing, is getting married August 16. When did this happen? My friends that I used to play war games with in the lobbies of churches for bible quizzing aren't supposed to be getting married! Me and Brittany used to write letters back and forth about 9YG! When did my friends turn into grown-ups?

And then, as with all my pondering, we have the guy scene. This is just too messed up to even comprehend. I wish that I didn't like anyone at the second. Because it's a pain in the butt. And I always like the ones I can't have. Which is why I will probably be going solo to the V-day Banquet. All though people are telling me to ask one person in particular. Who would say no. And would make life extremely awkward and painful. So what else is new?

So, I'm running out of time. Bus will be here soon and my brain is still in overdrive. Possibly more later. But who knows?

No Way!

Dear Bob-The-Motorola-Q,

You have failed me. I am wounded. I understand that you are all for conforming and thought that you would be cool and clear your hard drive to be like SNB's computer, maybe that's what all of the cool techie toys are doing. You know, like high tops and poofy hair in the 80's. But really, was it necessary to clear off everything on my phone? I mean, call history I can understand but you went and deleted all the texts I had saved, like since October, and the videos I hadn't uploaded yet of my brother doing a Barbie funeral and wedding (which believe me, the people who read this would have found very funny), and that dumb video of Garrett threatening to take over the world with green jello, which let's face it, will never cease to make me laugh my butt off and thank god that I uploaded it to YouTube before you went dumb. Then, you had to delete all of my contacts, which you better thank God I had saved on my computer as back-up, which prevented me from throwing you across the room. That and Dad would have killed me. You also deleted my calender, which had my exam schedule and everything else on it. And my ringtones. You're so rude.
I would greatly appreciate it if you would refrain from clearing your memory again until such time that I tell you that you may do so. Such a measure would insure that I don't keel over in the prime of my life at 17.

Your Owner,

Her Royal Muffinness,
The Muffiny of the Muffins,

The Muffin