There's a line in the movie "The Preacher's Wife" that Denzel Washington says when the little boy's friend is being sent to a foster home in another city. The little boy runs to his room crying, and Dudley (the angel played by Denzel) watches Hakim (the little boy's friend) get in the car and ride away,looks upward, and says-
"I know you have a master plan, Lord. But sometimes you just don't make sense."
I don't think I ever really said how much of a refresher Mid-Winter was. It was amazing. I felt God more then, than I had in a long, long time. Bro.Goodman preached a message on Saturday morning that spoke to me so much. He spoke about how many kids leave camp or youth retreat or a rally and feel God. And then 2 weeks later, they feel nothing and have abandoned that rush that they felt at camp or retreat or rally. After the service, I was up front, weeping before God. I was one of those kids. That description was so me. I stood there, and images of so many people rushed through my head.
These people are members of our youth group who at one point or another were incredibly steadfast in their walk with God. They came to youth things and were so dedicated and committed. Our youth group has shrunk in the past year. At that moment, I made a promise to God that I was not going to be like them. I was not going to change. I was going to take what I received, and not only keep it after the retreat, but I was going to spread it and display it to others if it killed me.
I have tried so hard. Not just me. A whole group of us in the youth group have made extreme efforts to turn our church around and begin a revival. There's a group supporting each other and doing the BREAD chart. There's a group fasting every Thursday. We've made efforts to change our attitudes and think more positively.
We knew there would be opposition. But we didn't know it would be this bad.
A few days later, Ratchol broke up with her fiance. School has been getting the best of me. Elisha is gone. My friend Cassie, who doesn't even go to church with us, lost a friend in an accident. My best friend, who isn't even IN church, lost her grandmother.
Hit after hit has come against us. And for what?
For the past 2 weeks, since Mid-Winter and I made that promise to God, it seems like every time we think it can't get worse, we're proved wrong. It makes me angry and frustrated. I want to cry and punch things and go insane.
I talked to Ratchol today, and I told her that I'm to the point where people get, when they just want to throw in the towel and say, "God, I know you're omniscient. But have you ANY idea what you're doing?"
I don't doubt God. I will never turn my back on him. I know I have truth. I know there is a reason for all of this. I know I will be stronger for this. I know God has said that he will never put on us more than we can bear. I know God doesn't lie, so that must be true. I know he has a plan.
I just need to learn to deal with it.