Thursday, April 29, 2010

Cautiously Cynical

Over the past year or so, I have attempted to curb my negativity. After I graduated high school, I really kind of wanted to leave all of that stuff behind.

I love being sarcastic. I love having the occasional sharp remark, all in love and good fun. And, unfortunately, I happen to be a naturally cynical person.

I'm not proud of it really. I don't like having a jaded view of humanity. On the contrary, humanity fascinates me. I don't know when the flip that happened. But it does. Absolutely enthralls me. Human nature. How it interacts with God. How God interacts with it. Fascinates the life out of me. But when it does, unfortunately you come to the realization that nobody is perfect.

And some people are less perfect than others. And some, in your eyes, are more. But in those people, you usually attempt to find just one thing that annoys the crap out of you. Just so that you can be fair, you know? And if you look for the bad, you can usually find it.

This isn't really a good method, I suppose. I do try to give people the benefit of the doubt. I try to think the best of people. But some days, like today, when I'm feeling like death because one of my best friends decided to share her plague with me, I can't stand people. They irk me. Their habits. Their mannerisms. Their lack of actual manners. Ironically, their judgmentalism (as I sit there and judge them).  Some days, I just don't like people.

Which really doesn't make sense. I love people. To a fault. I love a lot, I love deep, and it's been brought to my attention, that sometimes this works to my own detriment. If I love you, and you hurt, I'm going to hurt. I'm going to feel your hurt and I'm also going to hurt because I can't fix your issues. Even if I don't know your issues, I'm going to want to fix them.

But I can't.

Because of the stupid humanity.

And it makes me cynical. If I can't do anything to help you, what hope is there in the world? I'm one powerless human being. Each person on earth is the same. A powerless weakling with dreams that are more fragile than glass and hopes that are melted at first heat of the trial. Eventually, disappointment gets to you. It's not even that anything overly, terribly dramatic happens to you. Just life, I guess. Disappointment. Changes of plans. Changes of dreams. Usually for the good. For progress. To grow. But it can be disheartening. The people that we love and share life with, who are there to uplift and support us, are the same people that can break us down and shatter our dreams.

It. Doesn't. Make. Sense.

Why do we give people the power to hurt us? Because (and quotes like this are why I love Facebook statuses), in the words of William Arthur Ward, "To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk despair. To try is to risk failure. But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing."

If you don't risk rejection, you're never going to get acceptance. If you don't love, you're never going to be loved. If you don't hurt, you'll never know the awesome power of healing. If you don't fail, you won't appreciate the sweet savor of victory.

If you don't risk, you won't understand the power of reward.

1 comment:

Theresa said...

For someone who is feeling poorly, you are being incredibly insightful! Good post!

BTW, don't be too hard on yourself about the cynicism, you had great tutors in your dad and grandfather. I know, I've listened.