Friday, July 15, 2011

In regards to searching...

It's nothing that I haven't said before. Over and over again. Ad nauseum. To the point where it's just plain repetitive and, in mathematical terms, a given.

I'm confused.

The past year has been one of discovery. And, admittedly, with discovery comes a great deal of difficulty and struggle. But, in the end, it works out well and it's okay. Because I always end up learning something, generally from my own stupidity in regards to the matters at hand. 

Through a series of circumstances, over the past few months, I've found myself in a freakishly similar place to the very one that I was in a year ago. Different surrounding scenario, but same mental and spiritual repercussions.The past year has been one of discovery. And, admittedly, with discovery comes a great deal of difficulty and struggle. But, in the end, it works out well and it's okay, save some serious to mild emotional scarring. 

So, again. Summed up in one word: confusion. 

It's not because I don't like the "rules".
It's not because I want to detract from God's Word to make it say what I think it should.
It's not because I'm bitter or have a vendetta against any one organization or religious persuasion or group.

It's because I have questions that have been going unanswered. 
And it's because I can no longer allow those questions to remain unasked.
It's because I feel that, as a Christian, I find it foolish to blindly go along with something without seeking and studying for myself. 
It's because I know that if I do the above, I will eventually come in contact with someone who will expose me and my ignorance, and through that ignorance, will be turned off to a crucial Message forever.
It's because I can't live resentful and half-heartedly for something that I haven't sought out and found for myself to be true, but rather went along with what everyone said I should believe.
It's because doing that is not having a relationship with God for what I've found Him to be, but for what I fear others will think of me.
And it's because that action is dishonest and hypocritical.

It doesn't mean I'm walking away from God or leaving the church or "taking the easy way out".
It's not because I don't care.

Quite the opposite, in fact. 

It's because I do care.
Very much.
Enough that I want to know what exactly is required of me.
And that I want to know what's required of others, so that I can share that with them.
Enough that I want to immerse myself and fall back in love with His words.
That I want to soak in the love story that is the Gospel.
That I want to experience something beyond a list of rules.
Enough that I want the things I do and don't do to be out of a deep and sincere adoration for Him
Rather than just out of obligation.
And I want to share that love and experience with others.
Because it's too big and too great to keep to myself.
Because it drives people to be better.
To help others.
To feed them. To clothe them.
To meet their every need, while giving them Jesus at the same time.

That's what I want.
I don't want out.
I don't want easy. 
I want to....

1 comment:

MotherT said...

You have very eloquently stated what every REAL lover of Truth and seeker of God is saying inside.