Monday, November 9, 2009

Breaking Through

I need to come clean about something. I have a very hard time finding a medium between being too nice and holding a grudge. It's really hard to know when enough is enough, and I have had a problem with this for a long time.
In my life, I have had one person who has hurt me many, many times. I've known her for years and there have been conflicts since we were very young. It's been a cycle. But I have this overwhelming guilt every time that I attempt to cut the individual out, it's followed by a wave of guilt, because I hate when people are mad at me and I hate the feeling of being mad at people. So, I usually come crawling back, repair the friendship, and it continues. I get hurt again, I get angry because I've been hurt, and over time, this cycle made me extremely bitter. Within the past year, this cycle repeated itself, and I was hurt so badly, that I cut off contact and didn't bother to even attempt to repair the relationship. It wasn't worth the pain and problems that stemmed from this relationship. I just couldn't do it again.

Tonight was a great service. God's spirit moved and his presence was evident. I have had several things that have bothered me recently, and I needed to breakthrough. I prayed with my friends and felt refreshed in the Spirit, but something was missing. And then this scripture kept running through my head.

“This is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters. If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God."

Matthew 5:23-24 (The Message Translation)

Then I saw her sitting there. Head in her hands, obviously trying to get through to God. Just like I was. There's not much I could do. I don't know what's going on in her life right now. We haven't talked in months and I don't know what's going on. I can't tell her that everything is going to be okay. I can't be there for her every step of the way. That bridge will probably never be mended and that friendship may never be what it once was. But I'm not going to let that stop me from sitting and praying with a girl who is, like me, trying to break through.

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