Saturday, August 22, 2009

My Brain Is Running Rampent

This is the first Saturday in a while that I haven't been doing my own laundry, rushing off to a youth activity, or going to church. It's my first weekend in the U.S. all summer, and honestly, I don't think my brain should be allowed to have free time right now. Because, it worries way too much, and gets stressed out and angsty. I'm just a stressed out and angsty person anyway, but this portion of my personality has been relatively curved by an excessive amount of empanadas, lomito arabes, and verb conjugation over the past seven weeks, and when you're working on Excel Spreadsheets and building titles, you really just don't have time to think about the things that just make you want to punch babies.

Because my trip ended up being way shorter than I assumed, my life is kind of at a stand-still, Dear-God-where-do-I-go-from-here phase. I don't like this at all. I'm trying to figure out where I'm going to work, because I can't stand people who sit around at home and do nothing, and would like to be somewhat of a grown-up and earn money and take some control of my finances. I need to get a driver's license, which I've wanted to do for a long time, but I'm getting to the point where I just feel like a mooching moron when I have to ask people to drive me places. I hate being dependent on other people. I just don't like that feeling. I need a car. I have money from graduation still, thanks to the abbreviation of that trip, but I need to cover insurance and all of that, too.

I am trying to figure out what I want to do about school. This is really, really stressful, and especially over the past week has had me in fits. I wish I had known that I was going to be back right now. I would be on my way to Kent State or Gateway and I wouldn't have to juggle a million other things trying to figure out what I am trying to do and how to do it. I wish I was moving into school right now with my friends. It sounds really fun and I'm ready to be a grown-up. I missed home, and I don't know how I feel about leaving again, but it's just the thought that things are just so much more complicated than they had to be. I wish I had just known. But I didn't.

I know that I had to go and that it wasn't my fault. If you're reading this and don't believe that, I'm sorry, but that's the truth. That's the thing that really sucks about coming back from something that just didn't work the way it was planned. People talk. You're not supposed to care, and you're supposed to let it roll off, but when you get the looks and hear or see people talking about you, it's just not fun. One person in particular has hurt me with this, someone I thought would understand. I'm having a hard enough time reminding myself that I didn't have a choice and that this wasn't my fault, and having a good friend doubt you and say things like, "Well, I just feel that there should have been some way for you to stay," doesn't give you that warm, fuzzy feeling that you were a smashing success in the work and you didn't fail miserably. It reminds me of what my family went through a few years ago coming back from pastoring. I wasn't stupid, deaf, or blind. I knew people talked about us. I knew people spread their own stupid theories without bothering to find out the truth or how any of us were affected. It's a fact of life. People are stupid and say stupid things. And it hurts. A lot.

The whole situation that I'm in just seems stupid and unnecessary. I put off a semester of college that I didn't have to. I don't regret going, not for a second. I just feel like I should still be there working, and that coming back early makes me some kind of failure. I don't know where to go from here and how to dig myself out. I feel completely lost.

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