Sunday, August 30, 2009

*big sigh*

This will eventually all come to an end, right? Someday, I will get my priorities in order and decide what I want to do with my life, right? And God will eventually get through my thick skull what I'm supposed to be doing, yes?

I really don't get exactly why everything is so confusing at the moment. I had a meltdown on Wednesday, which I am attributing to the pain-in-the-butt that readjusting is. I went from working on textbooks and spreadsheets several hours a day to filling my time with whatever I can find, and certainly nothing meaningful. I need to find a job, for one thing. I need to do something, so that I'm not just sitting here, thinking myself into a frenzy.

I am really going through a fight right now. A conflict. And it honestly sounds dumb to me. But at the same time, it makes perfect sense. I cam back from this trip early, and I know that someday I would like to go back. But it seems like I just have this dull, nagging fear, note, I say fear, not feeling, that I'm going to end up living there forever. Please don't misunderstand this. I love Paraguay and the people I met there were amazing. I, except in times of serious panic and crazy spells, don't regret going. But there are people out there that, and I know they are encouraging, seem to think that my life's calling is to live there forever. I want to go back, but I really, really do not want to live there  forever. There were things I didn't like, things I missed, and things that flat out scared the crap out of me. I was living in a country right next to a very, very unstable country. I had a friend whose parents are trapped in her home country thanks to communism. I'm cut out for short-term AIM work, but the life of a missionary is not something I can see myself just loving every second of. I want to stay here, go to college, get a job, and have a family. While I was there, if I can be extremely honest, I never really felt safe. Not the kind of safe like out of danger safe. I was always afraid something was going to happen to someone. An emergency would occur and something would happen and I would be a 24-hour journey away. I'm an attached person, which is both good and bad. And I honestly don't know if these feelings are normal for a post-AIM trip person, because I don't know anyone that's had a situation like mine.  I'm scared I'm going to do the wrong thing. I'm afraid that someday, I'm going to look back and realize how wrong I was, no matter what decision I make. I'm scared.

I'm sorry that my last post was so vague and I left you hanging. Here's this other huge thing. The thing that has a lot of people putting a lot of pressure on me.

College has always been a huge thing for me. Ever since I was little, I knew I wanted to go to school and do something awesome. Of  course, back then, I wanted to be a doctor, but then I turned sixteen and decided that it just wasn't going to happen. For the past two years, I have been trying to find a place and an idea of what I want. And I just don't know what that is anymore. I thought I wanted to be a teacher. I really do love kids, but honestly, I don't know if that's what I really want to do. I don't know what I want in that area. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, so to speak. Which is why I am very indecisive at the moment and am thinking about going back to an original plan.

Because I don't know what I want to do, and Gateway doesn't have very many options, I think I have decided that in January, I will be going to Kent State. I love that school, and have since the moment I walked on campus. I got offered a very nice scholarship, and had my heart set on it. They have programs for both things I am considering, and if I hate one, I can switch to the other, or make another plan. They have a Spanish program, which is very important to me.  I've always loved that area of Ohio, with Cleveland and Akron, and all of those other places that I love, and when I went to St.Louis, I just wasn't that big of a fan. I didn't see much of it, of course, but I don't know. The reasoning for me is that it is much more likely that my coursework will transfer from Kent to Gateway, as Kent is accredited and core classes would probably help some, than that Gateway, which is non-accredited, would have credits that would transfer to Kent. I just don't know for sure, but I just feel like this is what I should do. I really don't know. And that bothers me. I feel like I'm starting back at square one. I've always had a plan. A long-term plan, and now I'm just not sure. I wish I knew.

I wish I had known I was coming back early back when I was making college plans. Maybe things would be a little clearer now.

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