Monday, July 6, 2009

Well, I thought I was doing better...

This morning I woke up and while Sis.Bir was cooking, Bro.Bir asked me to sit down with him and have a talk. My heart instantly sank because the words “have a talk” just don’t give you an air of good tidings and joy. I was worried I had offended someone or he thought I wasn’t doing my share, which I was really trying to do, but whenever I asked, nobody needed my help. What he told me wasn’t much better, actually. “It’s pretty obvious to the whole world that you’re not incredibly happy here.”
Well, crap.
I’ve really been trying to do better, and I thought I had actually been succeeding. The past two days, I didn’t cry at all. I had so much fun at the youth thing and at church yesterday, that while I was still homesick, I wasn’t feeling like curling up in a ball and dying. The first days were really hard, but I tried to put on my brave face. But last night, I even told Dawn and my parents that I didn’t feel like I was ready for six months yet, but at the moment, I wasn’t feeling like if someone says you can go home tomorrow, I would jump at the chance. I like it here, but I’m still homesick. The 1-3 month thing seems more doable all the time.
But, Bro.Bir expressed concerns that he and Sis.Bir had done something to make me unhappy or hurt my feelings, and asked if I felt like I needed to go home. I told him that, no, he hadn’t hurt my feelings, and I was actually feeling much better  than I had been the past few days and told him just what I had told Dawn and my parents the night before. He assured me that if things got too hard, we could go and change my ticket tomorrow. Note how I didn’t jump at this chance, like I did in the previous statement? I assured him that no, that wasn’t necessary, and he asked if I thought I would need to go home sooner. I was completely honest with him and said that I had talked to Sis.Bir the first night about staying for 1-3 months instead of 6, and I honestly can’t tell how he felt about that. He said some stuff about if I just stayed for the next couple of weeks and helped with the padrinos, which is what I’m starting today, and which means doing the excel sheets for the sponsors of the school, then I would already be an incredible blessing and when I needed to go home, just to let him know.
I’m not sure how I feel about being told that. Is that an out? I really don’t know.
I thanked him and we talked some more about things contributing to why I was feeling the way that I was. I told him that it was just a matter of learning to live with very different personalities than my parents in a new place, with a new language. The experience was not at all what I expected.
“Well, what did you expect?”
I don’t really know what I expected. Just not this. I told him that and he asked if it was worse than I had expected. I assured him that that’s not at all what I meant, and that in some ways it was better and true, there were some things that I really just didn’t care for here. He asked what I meant and I told him that I enjoyed the fact that I wasn’t completely unable to talk to people, like I expected, but I didn’t like things like the lack of sanitation and that I wasn’t incredibly fond of working in the school, because it just wasn’t something I was used to and I couldn’t really understand the kids because they talked so fast.  
I was kind of blindsided by this conversation just because of how much better I had felt the first couple of days. It was not a good feeling noticing that I wasn’t doing as well at hiding my feelings as I thought I had been. And that I still seemed unhappy, when I really wasn’t and was feeling much better. Maybe it’s a sign. I don’t want it to be, because I really am giving this my best shot, but I don’t know. Just as I thought I was doing better, I turned out not doing well at all. 
The one thing that I told him that I absolutely loved was the church services.  The prayer is great, and although I can’t understand most of what they say in the sermons, they are very energetic and the church really gets with the preacher. It’s a really neat atmosphere.
Today I started with the office work and I like it much better than the school teaching. It's a lot of work, but I love it! 
So, tonight the Birs and I are going to watch a movie and eat pizza and ice cream. It should be a good end to my first day of work

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