Thursday, March 5, 2009

Snip, Snip

I have to make a confession that I'm not very proud of.

This summer, I cut someone out.

It's not that I regret so much the drifting from the friendship. We weren't very close anymore, conflict of interests, and all that jazz. I was extremely busy and I guess I kind of used that as an excuse.

But really, there was no excuse for what I did.

I didn't answer her calls or emails, and went out of my way to avoid her.

I was a jerk.

Well, around the same time, another friend of mine also cut this friend out, saying some very mean things that I never in a million years would have said to anyone. However, the person who I cut out, assumed that the two things were related, and we haven't really talked since.

She's sent me a few emails, and I think that I'm too much of a coward to email her back and say, "Look, I was wrong. What I did was crapweasel-esque, and I was a jerk to do it. Our friendship is never going to be the same, but I hate how things went down."

I need to say that, but I can't.

She didn't deserve the treatment that she received. But, she did. Graciously, and still tried to be my friend afterwards. I don't deserve a friend like that.

I guess the reason that I keep thinking of this is because sometimes you actually do have to cut people out of your life. They bog you down, stab you in the back, say awful things, and yet you keep them there, on the same pedestal that they have been for years.

I'd like to think that I'm a nice person. People seem to tell me that I am. I'm the "good girl". I can't stand the idea of hurting a person's feelings. What I did this summer was completely out of character for me. And I regret it.

So, I know that these people aren't my real friends, because if they were, the events of the past few weeks, particularly the past few days, would not have occured. Friends don't throw hurtful things in other friends' faces. You don't do that to someone. And when they give you chance after chance, you don't abuse that trust again and again. It's common human courtesy. But, even knowing that, I am finding it very hard to do this all over again. I know it's not the same situation, but the concept remains.

I need to do it. But, I don't know how to do it nicely.

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